A phrase so commonly used, especially in the military community. As we had to say see you later for the next 9 months to my husband again, my inbox is filled with messages containing this phrase. And I always respond with “I will.” And usually people mean to listen if you need to talk, help with child care, help with housekeeping etc.
But the anything I need is a lot of what no one else can help me with.
I need more patience. Tonight was extremely rough. Rhett wouldn’t latch to even a slow paced bottle without screaming at me. Went for 3 hours. I’m about ready to close the door on the breastfeeding journey despite how hard I’m desperately working on it.
I need less frustration. I take it out on everyone. I’m irritable from the high emotion that I’m refusing to acknowledge. My husband is gone for another 9 months almost a year to the day that I picked him up from being gone for 16 months. I’m mad. Extremely sad. And just.. I don’t even know. I’m trying to shove it all down and ignore it. But I think that is what caused Rhett to have an awful night. I know he can sense it and that makes me feel worse but I also know I can’t pretend that I’m happy. Things are so lonely when Brad is gone. In a way I can’t really explain it. But if you’ve gone through this you know exactly what I’m talking about. You can be surrounded by people all day and still have this empty feeling. I’ve felt so alone and I have family here.
Strength is what people tell me I have a lot of but it’s hard to feel that when days and nights like this hit. I’m exhausted. Both physically and emotionally.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
I need grace. I need the ability to tell myself I’m going to be okay. I need to let myself be vulnerable. I need to let myself feel all these emotions that I am trying to shove so far down and ignore.
But.. if you’re reading this, chocolate and wine go a long way.
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