(In)visible

I wonder how my Facebook news feed would look if we were honest. We post so much to feel visible, but it’s odd how loud my mind is and how visible it wants to be, while also wanting to be invisible when it’s hurting.

I almost wish I could wear the invisible cloak from Harry Potter to hide myself physically but still spew the word vomit I so badly want to without dealing with the confrontation.

So this blog post is going to be that for a minute. This is my invisible cloak. Because you’re able to read it, but it’s hiding me from the confrontation I know it would bring. And that’s actually not even true, because if you’re reading this, you just as easily have access to talk to me. And I will probably share this for others to feel not so alone.

But, if I’m being honest, I hate how self-aware I am. I hate I know what my trauma response is. I hate I know why my anxiety is bad. I hate that it presents physically in a clenched jaw, tense shoulders, and the inability to not relax physically or mentally because it’s affecting my personal life. And I hate that I want to scream about it from the top of my lungs but bite my tongue about it or type and delete, just to retype and delete messages and statuses.

I want to talk about it but withdraw and hide at the same time. I want to cry but also laugh to mask those tears. And I know I’m not the only one who deals with this constant argument in my head between “just talk because people love you” to “shut up no one cares.”

I find myself teetering between being super confident and then not at all. But anyway…

Being a mom right now is so hard. Between the Epstein files, the want to be home and present 100%, but also still navigating work because I need an income.

I don’t have time to find a village. Because unfortunately moving every few years means you have to make a new one. And truly by the weekend I have house chores and things to do I didn’t get to during the week, that I’m too exhausted to find the social battery to ya know, be social.

Being a stay at home, work from home mom makes me feel like I’m failing multiple jobs at once.

Not to mention I’m still raw dogging ADHD on top of it all.

No, I don’t know how I’m functioning, so don’t ask. Notion is working double time to keep my life together. But, I still somehow manage to put food that’s supposed to be in the freezer in the pantry.

I’m not entirely sure where this blog was going.. but the main point I wanted to make is:

Your voice deserves to be heard. No matter how much it may tremble in the process. Your truth isn’t any less relevant than someone else’s.